I'm not sure if life has a defined purpose or if people just try to make up their own versions of it based on their subjective convictions in order to make themselves feel more comfortable. I feel like everyone I've built a relationship (of any kind) with has impacted my life in some way that has changed my perspective as a whole on everything. The weird part that makes me question the 'purpose' of these exchanges is how easy it is for people to just disappear from your life. And yes, sometimes it's inappropriate or even just futile to overthink the comings and goings, but I think it's impossible to ignore them, or at least it is for me. I don't think I've ever completely dissolved from someone's life. It just feels odd to me. I always leave with cause, or break away with a promise of coming back when _____ happens. It's not a conditional type of relationship, but I get that some things are toxic and you kind of have to let someone breathe or make their own changes. I'm rambling.
After having my dad 'leave' or just be completely absent I've paid more attention to others' presence(s) in my life. Even from a fairly young age I knew how to detect if someone was going to abandon their post in my world. And it was fine, if I could see a clear reason. I have accepted each person leaving and tried my best to remain calm and stable, no matter how great the loss, but sometimes its easier than others.
The worst is not realizing what you're feeling in time to help yourself. I'll completely ignore things that would usually bother or even completely devastate the next person, and not realize the weight of the matter until it's too far down the road to react. It's more of suppression than taking someone for granted, I think.
Another scenario is when you feel confidently secure with someone but they are in a point in their lives when the timing just isn't right. I've been stuck in so many ultimatums where I either have to wait around for the person or just try to move on. I believe in giving people their time apart, but I find that when this happens I become collateral damage. I see it happen with other friends of mine, too, all the time. It makes sense. I've probably done the same thing subconsciously. But there's always that sting of regret when you see that they were able to do _____ with someone else and just not you. It's a self-worth crisis. I have tried to ignore this feeling so many times and it ends up resulting in...definitely not leftover feelings, more like a sense of curiosity that I can never cure. It's still not something that invades my mind often, thankfully. I think mainly it makes me wonder less about the other person involved and more about human connections in general. Is it so easy to stop thinking about someone? To stop wanting to talk to them? To stop being a part of their lives?
I'm grateful that I can be aware of this feeling, though, rather than pining over useless people, useless things, useless relationships. I don't find myself thinking back on things and wondering if the word 'love' was a lie, or wondering if there was some kind of ulterior motive the whole time.
All I wonder is if you're okay
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Welcome to my blog (again)! For one of my journalism classes, a semester-long assignment was to start a blog on a topic about which we were passionate. I chose horror movies because I am actually obsessed with them. I ended up enjoying keeping up with the blog so much that I decided to move it over to this account and continue reviewing scary movies. Enjoy.